How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
