how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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