in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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