I just cut my nipple shaving
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
