i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
