the condom got lost in my hair
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
