Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
