Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
