So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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