I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just got carded by a ten year old.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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