there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
