Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
