I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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