The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
