6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
