I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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