So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
