Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
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She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
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I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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