your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
