I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
