Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
