I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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