why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize