i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
