I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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