If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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