I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
