I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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