Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
