sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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