your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
im six kinds of drunk right now
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
