I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
