I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
