okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
