whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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