her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
