I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Sorry about my life...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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