You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
