Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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