1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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