please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
