No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
