There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
