I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
