I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So much rum. So many feels.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
