Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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