I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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