can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
