Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
