Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
