in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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