why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
