how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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