never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
