how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
