I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
