My hand turned me down
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
