i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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