Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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